🌊 The Plunge #10: 40 Things I (think i) Know at 40
Preciously-held views on the human experience and Cheetos
To mark my 40th year, I’m sharing a smattering of “wisdom bits” I’ve collected, shells found on the shore of the four decades I’ve walked. Some of these little treasures were hard-earned, some were gifted to me, some are poignant, some are utterly shallow. All of them, I hold loosely (see #1).
Hat tip to one of my favorite Substack writers, Emma Gannon, who inspired this post with her own list when she turned 34 (heads up: it’s for paid subscribers).
And one more thing before we dive in: remember to submit your questions here for the first-ever edition of 🍹Poolside Chat🍹, coming next week!
“The soul should always stand ajar.”
Emily Dickinson
So much of what I thought I knew at 20 and 30 no longer shapes my thinking. This makes me wonder which sacred truths I hold today will have dissolved by the time I reach 50.
What you believe about yourself is a choice you make. I began unhooking from paralyzing self-doubt and fear when I realized I could make a new choice: to believe everyone is amazingly and uniquely gifted, and that includes me.
Flaming Hot Cheetos never disappoint.
The Enneagram doesn’t explain everything, but it explains A LOT.
Don’t judge other people’s parenting until you have kids yourself. Even then – your kids and their kids are very different creatures, and what’s good for the goose may not be good for the gander.
Everything may not “happen for a reason”, but nearly everything can be redeemed in some small way. There’s almost always a glimmer in the dark.
I actually can’t do it on my own. Dang it.
I don’t have to understand something rationally to believe it. Belief is just as much about what my heart and body know, even if my head doesn’t understand it.
The mean girl drama in 7th grade is not small potatoes. It can f@*! with you for the rest of your life if you don’t untangle yourself from its aftereffects.
I will never enjoy running. I will never understand why some of you do.
If you’d told me before I met my husband that someday I’d elect to live across the street from my mother-in-law, I’d have though you were nuts. But now I do, and it’s really, truly lovely to be neighbors with Karen.
Therapy, therapy, therapy. Therapy for everyone.
Feelings are passing states, but you’ve got to actually feel them so they move through you and don’t get stuck inside you. R.A.I.N. helps.
I just don’t like the 80’s, ok? Besides myself and my pals, I like almost nothing else that came from this decade. Not the music, not the movies, and definitely not the hair.
I didn’t understand a lot of things I should have before my 36th birthday. That was May 25th, 2020, the day George Floyd was murdered. I’ve learned some things since then that I should have learned long before. I’m still learning and always will be.
I wish I’d traveled more in my first half of life. I hope I travel more in my second.
Two seemingly opposing things can be true at the same time. Holding this tension is one of the best definitions of maturity I know.
IMHO, the best ice cream in a 50 mile radius of me is Grand Ole Creamery’s “Mac Daddy”. Butter pecan base (but no nuts) + cookie dough + cookies’n’cream.
I love learning from my own spiritual home base (Christian) and exploring others. I think every spiritual tradition represents how other people groups in other places and times have pursued the Divine and tried to make sense of the spiritual realm. The earnest pursuit of God is always a beautiful thing to my eyes.
Sometimes I’ve loved my kids while loathing certain aspects of motherhood – and that’s ok.
Confession, I was actually 39 and 1/2 when this photo was taken, so not quite as wise and wizened as I am by now. We are all products of our life experiences. People do what they do for very good reasons. I may not agree with their worldview, but most of the time, it’s understandable considering their life experiences.
Throw yourself a party sometime.
Every time I’ve cut my hair super short, I’ve regretted it. I think I’ve finally learned my lesson.
Dreams hold a lot of wisdom – from the unconscious, and from God. Two dream interpretation tips I was taught and now use all the time: (1) every person in the dream represents a part of you, and (2) the emotions you feel and express in your dream are begging to be more fully felt and expressed in your waking hours.
A great question to ask yourself when you’re stubbornly holding on to a belief or behavior: “How is that serving me?”
Aging while female can be fraught. Society feeds us a crock of you-know-what from our earliest years that our primary value lies in our youth and beauty. As my girl Taylor sings, “Beauty is a beast that roars, down on all fours, demanding more.” Resist, resist, resist.
I’m a lot less altruistic than I thought I was at 20. I see now that I’m quite selfish.
I actually don’t need to be constantly growing, learning, and getting better. That’s just another version of the lie that my worth is contingent on me doing something rather than just existing, exactly as I am.
You’re probably overthinking it. (I know I am.)
When you get a puppy while parenting a toddler and prepping for baby number two, you will hate the puppy with the wrath of Thor for the first two years. And then, years later, your son will lay nose-to-nose with the dog, whispering, “You’re the best, must fluffiest dog in the world, Webster. I just love you so much.”. And the dog will lick his cheek, and you’ll know the puppy was the best worst decision you ever made.
We all have dark and light in us, but our true nature is light. Made in God’s image. God in us.
I’ve got more to say on that. If you were fed a message that it’s dangerous to trust yourself, love yourself, or honor your needs because you are inherently bad, evil, or selfish – I think that’s a spiritually dangerous message that leads a lot of people into actual darkness because they don’t know who or what to believe. God can be found both outside of you and within you.
As a kid, I made fun of middle-aged women who couldn’t hold their pee in while laughing. Now I’ve had babies, and I’m not laughing anymore.
The qualities I dislike most in other people represent parts of myself that I’ve suppressed or rejected. I actually need a little dash of those qualities I loathe to balance me out. (For example, I judge laziness in others…but it would do me good to slow the hell down sometimes.)
Overall, I really wish I’d applied more sunscreen. (See #26.)
Embrace mystery. We can’t possibly make it all make sense. Surrender to the not knowing.
If the apocalypse comes, I will profoundly miss pedicures and the ability to acquire mangos year-round in Minnesota. But then I will remember those were the conditions for 99% of the humans who have ever lived, including many alive today, and I will try not to be such a whiny brat.
Most of my suffering occurs when I resist reality rather than allowing it to be just as it is. Said differently, “Relax! Nothing is under control!” (a quote I loved in my coach Paul Wyman’s new book).
Even if you had a very good childhood, you still carry childhood wounds that shape you. As Carl Jung said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” (Not sure where to start? See hot tips in #12.)
Jack didn’t want to risk Rose’s life by experimenting with whether they both fit on the door because he loved her more than life itself, duh.
May you know what you know while knowing you might be wrong about it.
In the comments: (1) Tell us what would be on your list! (2) Are there any of these short bits you’d like me to unpack more in the future? LMK. Love ya!
No affiliate links in this post, just a combo of weird and wonderful stuff I love.
I love this view into who you are at your core. Also, 9 and 10 — we are soul sisters in these.