🍹Poolside Chat🍹: Work Trauma

You bring the questions. I bring my thoughts, and those cute little drink umbrellas.

I just got back from Florida, where I spent a lot of time by a real-life pool with my family. I’m just as excited for our metaphorical pool today as I was for the real thing!

This may have something to do with the fact that the main “poolside chats” I had in Florida were about (1) whether I would “please throw the diving toys again for me Mommy but you have to tell me a new trick to do before every throw and this time I am a dragon” and (2) why snot rockets are not good pool etiquette.

Today, we’re talking about something a little more consequential, and a lot less grody.

Let’s jump in. The water’s clean - promise.

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Welcome to the first edition of 🍹Poolside Chat🍹, where we dip our feet in the water, sip on something tropical, and talk about a thing that matters to you.

How it works:

• I'll choose one or more reader questions for each month's edition of 🍹Poolside Chat🍹

• For “Ask Claire” questions - I will publish the question and respond in the newsletter.

• For "Ask the Community" questions, I'll post the question and invite fellow readers to respond in the Comments.

• Ground Rules for all 🍹Poolside Chat🍹 Comments: (1) Love wins (2) Honor each others' stories and perspectives (3) Offer your perspective as one possibility of many (4) I'll delete disrespectful comments (5) Love wins.

Today’s question was an “Ask Claire” (that’s me!) question from an anonymous Diving Board reader.

I'm a late thirties female with a consistent and successful corporate career. I was laid off about 4 months ago from a director position at a large global company. This was a blessing - the environment was toxic, all the illegal things going on, sexual harassment, gender discrimination, bullying, narcissistic rage/targeting, sabotaging my work, no career advancement - I could go on (unfortunately). It was the worst environment I've ever been in, and it really did a number on me mentally. I got really sick, layoffs began, and I ended up bringing in a lawyer to negotiate my exit.

I've been working on healing from the trauma and thankfully have an incredible family and support network. But, it's slow going. Every time I look for another comparable role, I have a very strong negative reaction to it. I try to think about a new beginning, the excitement of starting at a new company, but all that goes through my head is that I'm going to run into the same types of people again and endure a fresh type of hell. I used to derive joy and accomplishment from my work and leadership within a company, but going through such a difficult experience has made me terrified that I'll walk into another viper pit.

Any suggestions on healing and moving forward to rediscover and re-engage with the career I've worked so hard on up to this point?

Ok, hi, friend. (I used to call people “friend” a lot more, and then I visited Disney and realized they call everyone “friend” all day long and it gets real cheesy real fast so now I just use it when I want to make someone’s day truly magical, which is what I want for you today.)

First off, I’m just disgusted at what you had to go through, and I love that you are willing to call it what it is: a trauma.

You were treated abhorrently, and even your body knew this and refused to go on with the status quo. I’m so glad you are being gentle with yourself, are taking time to heal, and are surrounded by people who are supporting you so beautifully. I also love that you aren’t saying, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just get over it and get back to work?”

Of course you can’t! Nothing in your system feels safe right now. No amount of self-talk or rational thought will convince your system that everything will be fine the next time around. I sense that you know this already: that deep healing in your whole-self (body, spirit, subconscious) must take place for you to be ready.

So, let’s talk about options. And let’s divide those options into two categories: things that cost money, and things that are free or cost-effective.

Options that Cost Money

When it comes to healing from trauma, therapy takes the cake. If you don’t find a great fit right away, keep looking. There are a lot of fair to middling therapists out there, but finding a truly excellent one is worth every minute of the search.

EMDR and Polyvagal therapy are two modalities worth exploring (check if a therapist is trained in these approaches), as they work to rewire the brain and nervous system.

A trauma-informed coach could help you, too, especially given the professional context surrounding your trauma experience.

For either of these, feel free to send me a direct email (claire@goingindepth.com), and I can help with referrals (that goes for any readers!).

Options that Are Free or Cost-Effective

Let’s circle back to my earlier point about your system not feeling safe. Remember that we are animals first and foremost, driven by our most primal survival instincts. Rational thought or “executive function” is only available to us if our primal needs for safety (physical, emotional, financial, interpersonal, psychological) are met.

That’s why healing trauma must happen through the body and brain and not simply in the mind.

Brain = an organ which impacts processes of feeling, thinking, and physicality; it is inextricably connected to other parts of the body (nervous system, the gut, other organs)

The Mind = our processes of thought, which in Western contexts, we perceive as operating independent of our physical body (this is false)

When we experience trauma, fear gets stored in our bodies and shows up in all sorts of fun physical ways (getting sick, like you did; experiencing panic attacks; digestive issues, etc.).

The seminal book on trauma The Body Keeps the Score would be an excellent read to help you understand what exactly is happening in your physical system when your mind contemplates getting back on the career ladder.

To flip the script on Christina Aguilera, when it comes to re-entering the workforce, Your heart is saying let’s go, but your body’s saying no. You want to feel excited and ready, but your body just isn’t those things right now!

And so, I recommend:

(1)   Educate yourself on the somatic (body-based) nature of trauma. Read about Polyvagal Theory, the field of study which illuminates 3 primary states of the nervous system and how they regulate health and behavior. Understanding which states I’m in at different times has revolutionized how I work with my own anxiety, fear, overstimulation, irritability, and more.

(2)   Try some practices which get you into your body and shift your nervous system to a more calm, regulated state. Breathwork can do wonders, and yoga can, too. Meditation could help, although I might recommend a moving meditation like Qigong or walking meditation if sitting still feels uncomfortable right now.

I also wonder if there is a slower on-ramp option for you back into the working world. Rather than diving into a full-time job in a totally new environment, might there be opportunities to do some contracting or consulting work just to get your system reacquainted with the corporate context?

And finally, to take a more spiritual lens on your challenge, if it’s helpful, you might do some reflecting about what the “glimmer of light” could be in this experience for you. How might it be shaping you for some higher calling? Looking back in 5 or 20 years, what story might you tell about who you became through this adversity? Rewriting the narrative, with you as the hero at the center, may help feel your own power in what sounds like a very disempowering experience. A couple of resources to inspire you: the concept of the Hero’s Journey, and the book Option B, by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant, which is all about post-traumatic growth.

A few more resources:

• Glennon Doyle’s podcast We Can Do Hard Things Ep #206: How to Follow the Wisdom of Your Body with Dr. Hillary McBride

• Kathy Jankowski: Qigong and Nervous System Balancing (online classes, coaching)

• Naomi Banks: Amazing coach (and a dear friend) with deep expertise in Polyvagal theory

I am wishing you all the best as you continue this hard stretch of your journey. You’re in the dark night right now. May you see daylight sooner than you think.

Readers, got a question for the next edition of 🍹Poolside Chat 🍹? “Ask Claire” (work, leadership, or life conundrums; personal or curious questions for me), or “Ask the Community” (get multiple perspectives from smart readers).

SUBMIT A QUESTION here.

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See you next time on The Diving Board!