Such a wonderful post. Thanks for coloring in the elephant often invisible, yet so alive in relationships and in the workplace. And thanks to the readers, reading, commenting and reflecting.
This is a topic I love discussing and challenging in our society. Over the years I’ve observed this, I’ve seen a pattern at play I would offer here to add to the dialogue. I’ve watched fathers/men offer to take on something parent/household related, and the women in the relationships balk because he wouldn’t do it to their standards or if he does try, criticizing his efforts or the outcome. There is an element of control and expectation of perfection I’ve seen women hold that create a barrier for the men to even try. They must think, “okay, why bother?” and so the trying stops. And perpetuates the cycle of women taking on more.
I wonder how this relates to both our “identity” as women (if I am not doing this - who am I?) and how much of this is related to the pressure of judgement Rob points to of who gets judged for not coloring Easter eggs. What are we protecting?
To us women navigating this challenge, I invite us to articulate the list of things we know have to happen, and engage our partners in how we can tackle the list together. I find this is where I can make the invisible, visible for my partner and with that awareness, he is happy to jump in.
…and then, when we agree on the division of labor, we release with it our standards of perfection and desire for control. We let go any attachments to our partner to getting it “right”, or our way, as it only puts the buckets we are trying to get rid of, back on our back.
The changes we want to see in the world require both parties to step up, and step back as we go.
As for the school still calling the mom after highlighting and asterisking “call dad first” on the emergency contact sheets- I am at a loss and experience that year over year. Is it bad I just don’t answer the call — then wait to hear my husband’s phone ring 2 mins later?
And speaking of forms and norms, don’t get me started on the mortgage or tax forms, which seem to always lead with the husband as owner/person #1, regardless of how the income flows for the family. 🤯
Agh this is all SO good, Beth! You make such an astute point about perfectionism and the need some women have for things to not just be done, but to be done according to their own ideal. (And I absolutely agree that, for me at least, this is often about my concern with being judged and found lacking.) The book Fair Play addresses this head on and suggests something similar to what you and your husband have done - agree on a "minimum standard of execution" and then let the other person run with it. If women want equal partnership, we have to actually let our partners step up and lead in the areas they take on.
All the snaps for this post!!!! More like it, please!! There is so much invisible labor and just plain ol’ weight that it’s basically impossible to explain!!
"...Women with a point of view on any topic (let’s say “leadership” just for kicks) are often assumed to be talking only to women (ex: “women’s leadership”). We’re not thought leaders for everyone; we’re thought leaders for other women." Amen, sister. My perspectives on leadership are for ALL leaders, not just women, and I get a bit bristly when it's suggested that I should focus on women. Why? Because it's an "easier" target market? Perhaps that solving the wrong problem.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspective here. And let me tell you--it's true for women without children (like me!) too. My husband is wonderful, yet many many many of the household management tasks would not get done if I didn't do them. For childless women, they often end up on the receiving end in the workplace of the expectation that they can take on more, are willing to work longer hours, etc. And studies have shown that women of all child/childless stripes find themselves significantly disproportionately getting tasked with (or taking on) the "caretaking" tasks in the workplace.
I just read an article the other day that a recent study shows that while women have made inroads to the CEO role, it's at a pay amount that is $0.85 on the dollar.
On a lighter note, we too enjoyed Anyone But You, and I LOVED Love at First Sight on Netflix.
Thanks for chiming in and sharing the perspective of a child-free woman. I totally believe you that people assume since you don't have kids you should therefore donate more unpaid labor at work and in the world. UGH. And thanks for the Love at First Sight reco!!
First of all, thank you for writing these emails. It's a lot of work and I appreciate the nuggets of wisdom you are offering!
Second, this reminds me of a GREAT podcast I listened to last week that interviewed Sara Sanford. She named the importance of understanding that gender bias is usually IMPLICIT, which means it's not conscious. It also means that a systematic approach is more helpful than an awareness approach.
For instance, women are more likely to have people stop by their desk to chat, and get their flow of work disrupted. The solution she suggests? Have a red-yellow-green system that every employee puts on their door.
Red- don't interrupt unless it's life or death. It's go time for me on a deadline or project.
Yellow- only interrupt if it is about time-bound work that we are doing together.
Green- it's a Friday afternoon. I'm bored and game for whatever you want to talk about.
That solution not only improves things for women, it equalizes and helps everyone. I love that way of thinking!
What a cool perspective - that implicit bias is best combatted with systems vs. simply trying to "be more aware". I'm totally going to listen to this episode, thanks for sharing Stephanie! I think I'm going to try this Red, Yellow, Green system with my kids, do you think that will work? ;)
Oof, this one is hitting me! Here I am awake at 4am thinking about how we still need to get Easter baskets for the girls and the 6yo is really going to want quiche for dinner and also we're seeing our nieces so we should probably get them something, so when can I run to Target in between client meetings... Meanwhile my wonderful hubby who also genuinely tries to take on more of the emotional and physical labor of co-parenting is blissfully asleep next to me completely unaware of such things, and they would never pop into his mind. That's what I haven't been able to figure out yet... If I left everything up to him it would be fine, but not... special. It's not infused with thoughtfulness and love in the same way I would do it (the way my mom made me feel special). And I have conflicting feelings about that. On one hand, he's doing great and I should probably just say thank you and let go of my expectations. And on the other hand... I really want my home to *feel* a certain way for our kids, and no one can do that but me. Cue the existential crisis...
To prove the point - 9:07pm and Friday before Easter and your post is my (male) first realization that we ought to die Easter eggs this weekend.
I talked with my wife about a similar concept where I have in the last said, “you want certain things done and I don’t. So if you weren’t doing them, it would be fine with me.” What I’m attempting to realize now is the societal pressure put on my wife to make sure those things didn’t happen. If MY mom found out we didn’t die Easter eggs, should would likely think it was a parental miss and would blame my wife, not me!
Yes!! Exactly. Sometimes it is that we (women) would face external/societal pressure for things that don't get done, but other times to be totally honest, it's my own ingrained expectations, desires, and personality that makes me want to provide more experiences like that. And maybe that's something I need to face too
Love this thread! Ariel, this dynamic has driven me batty at times. It's one of those areas where 2 things can be true at the same time: it matters that we give our kids special and magical experiences AND my standards for what qualifies as special can be far too ambitious. I dig my own grave sometimes.... When Rob and I used the Fair Play system to divide up tasks - I claimed most of the things that require a magical flair, which has helped me let go of my resentment that he thinks a take-out pizza and an unwrapped gift are all the effort required to celebrate a kid's birthday. (He's not wrong...but I just...can't.) If I want to stress myself out with a big ole bday bash, it's on me, I signed up for it....
Um, where are the monster trucks now? Seriously, Rob had posted the part about running the household, default parenting, and maintaining bonds and I came here and found the complete article. Ufda! I found myself cringing and saying ouch. Thank you for a well-written and thought-provoking article. Hey, I do own the yard! When my wife and I were parenting toddlers, she would often shovel the snow. I'd tell her don’t, the neighbors will think I'm a bad husband for not shoveling! She'd come back with what the neighbors see is a mom who needs a break from her kids!
I also see a gender disparity in caring for elderly parents. I've known men who have brothers only -- and it's the daughters-in-law taking the lead on coordinating care.
It was my hope that work-life balance for parents – especially mothers – would improve when many started to work from home these last several years. On Zoom calls, everyone suddenly had visual reminders what with babies on laps and kids running in the background that moms (and dads) have been balancing professional and parental responsibilities all along.
Such a wonderful post. Thanks for coloring in the elephant often invisible, yet so alive in relationships and in the workplace. And thanks to the readers, reading, commenting and reflecting.
This is a topic I love discussing and challenging in our society. Over the years I’ve observed this, I’ve seen a pattern at play I would offer here to add to the dialogue. I’ve watched fathers/men offer to take on something parent/household related, and the women in the relationships balk because he wouldn’t do it to their standards or if he does try, criticizing his efforts or the outcome. There is an element of control and expectation of perfection I’ve seen women hold that create a barrier for the men to even try. They must think, “okay, why bother?” and so the trying stops. And perpetuates the cycle of women taking on more.
I wonder how this relates to both our “identity” as women (if I am not doing this - who am I?) and how much of this is related to the pressure of judgement Rob points to of who gets judged for not coloring Easter eggs. What are we protecting?
To us women navigating this challenge, I invite us to articulate the list of things we know have to happen, and engage our partners in how we can tackle the list together. I find this is where I can make the invisible, visible for my partner and with that awareness, he is happy to jump in.
…and then, when we agree on the division of labor, we release with it our standards of perfection and desire for control. We let go any attachments to our partner to getting it “right”, or our way, as it only puts the buckets we are trying to get rid of, back on our back.
The changes we want to see in the world require both parties to step up, and step back as we go.
As for the school still calling the mom after highlighting and asterisking “call dad first” on the emergency contact sheets- I am at a loss and experience that year over year. Is it bad I just don’t answer the call — then wait to hear my husband’s phone ring 2 mins later?
And speaking of forms and norms, don’t get me started on the mortgage or tax forms, which seem to always lead with the husband as owner/person #1, regardless of how the income flows for the family. 🤯
Agh this is all SO good, Beth! You make such an astute point about perfectionism and the need some women have for things to not just be done, but to be done according to their own ideal. (And I absolutely agree that, for me at least, this is often about my concern with being judged and found lacking.) The book Fair Play addresses this head on and suggests something similar to what you and your husband have done - agree on a "minimum standard of execution" and then let the other person run with it. If women want equal partnership, we have to actually let our partners step up and lead in the areas they take on.
All the snaps for this post!!!! More like it, please!! There is so much invisible labor and just plain ol’ weight that it’s basically impossible to explain!!
So glad it resonated! LOTS of interconnections between this topic and the "Not Tonight Project".... ;)
Great read and love your writing style. From another very tired mom of three.
Thanks for reading, Shelly! Good luck with your three sources of joy and exhaustion. :)
Man here. Read it. Loved it. Shared it.
I hold you in high regard, sir!
"...Women with a point of view on any topic (let’s say “leadership” just for kicks) are often assumed to be talking only to women (ex: “women’s leadership”). We’re not thought leaders for everyone; we’re thought leaders for other women." Amen, sister. My perspectives on leadership are for ALL leaders, not just women, and I get a bit bristly when it's suggested that I should focus on women. Why? Because it's an "easier" target market? Perhaps that solving the wrong problem.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspective here. And let me tell you--it's true for women without children (like me!) too. My husband is wonderful, yet many many many of the household management tasks would not get done if I didn't do them. For childless women, they often end up on the receiving end in the workplace of the expectation that they can take on more, are willing to work longer hours, etc. And studies have shown that women of all child/childless stripes find themselves significantly disproportionately getting tasked with (or taking on) the "caretaking" tasks in the workplace.
I just read an article the other day that a recent study shows that while women have made inroads to the CEO role, it's at a pay amount that is $0.85 on the dollar.
On a lighter note, we too enjoyed Anyone But You, and I LOVED Love at First Sight on Netflix.
Thanks for chiming in and sharing the perspective of a child-free woman. I totally believe you that people assume since you don't have kids you should therefore donate more unpaid labor at work and in the world. UGH. And thanks for the Love at First Sight reco!!
First of all, thank you for writing these emails. It's a lot of work and I appreciate the nuggets of wisdom you are offering!
Second, this reminds me of a GREAT podcast I listened to last week that interviewed Sara Sanford. She named the importance of understanding that gender bias is usually IMPLICIT, which means it's not conscious. It also means that a systematic approach is more helpful than an awareness approach.
For instance, women are more likely to have people stop by their desk to chat, and get their flow of work disrupted. The solution she suggests? Have a red-yellow-green system that every employee puts on their door.
Red- don't interrupt unless it's life or death. It's go time for me on a deadline or project.
Yellow- only interrupt if it is about time-bound work that we are doing together.
Green- it's a Friday afternoon. I'm bored and game for whatever you want to talk about.
That solution not only improves things for women, it equalizes and helps everyone. I love that way of thinking!
Here's a link to the episode: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0UI8Pi9Lg4fyFipTIkZ9hm?si=x5x68DyGRbWkZlCBfex3Eg
What a cool perspective - that implicit bias is best combatted with systems vs. simply trying to "be more aware". I'm totally going to listen to this episode, thanks for sharing Stephanie! I think I'm going to try this Red, Yellow, Green system with my kids, do you think that will work? ;)
Great piece. BTW, if you want made-for-TV rom-coms, try Netflix. I really liked Love, Guaranteed.
Yesssss, adding Love, Guaranteed to my watch list, Nikki! Thanks for chiming in!
Oof, this one is hitting me! Here I am awake at 4am thinking about how we still need to get Easter baskets for the girls and the 6yo is really going to want quiche for dinner and also we're seeing our nieces so we should probably get them something, so when can I run to Target in between client meetings... Meanwhile my wonderful hubby who also genuinely tries to take on more of the emotional and physical labor of co-parenting is blissfully asleep next to me completely unaware of such things, and they would never pop into his mind. That's what I haven't been able to figure out yet... If I left everything up to him it would be fine, but not... special. It's not infused with thoughtfulness and love in the same way I would do it (the way my mom made me feel special). And I have conflicting feelings about that. On one hand, he's doing great and I should probably just say thank you and let go of my expectations. And on the other hand... I really want my home to *feel* a certain way for our kids, and no one can do that but me. Cue the existential crisis...
Thanks for coming to my 4am rant!
To prove the point - 9:07pm and Friday before Easter and your post is my (male) first realization that we ought to die Easter eggs this weekend.
I talked with my wife about a similar concept where I have in the last said, “you want certain things done and I don’t. So if you weren’t doing them, it would be fine with me.” What I’m attempting to realize now is the societal pressure put on my wife to make sure those things didn’t happen. If MY mom found out we didn’t die Easter eggs, should would likely think it was a parental miss and would blame my wife, not me!
Yes!! Exactly. Sometimes it is that we (women) would face external/societal pressure for things that don't get done, but other times to be totally honest, it's my own ingrained expectations, desires, and personality that makes me want to provide more experiences like that. And maybe that's something I need to face too
Love this thread! Ariel, this dynamic has driven me batty at times. It's one of those areas where 2 things can be true at the same time: it matters that we give our kids special and magical experiences AND my standards for what qualifies as special can be far too ambitious. I dig my own grave sometimes.... When Rob and I used the Fair Play system to divide up tasks - I claimed most of the things that require a magical flair, which has helped me let go of my resentment that he thinks a take-out pizza and an unwrapped gift are all the effort required to celebrate a kid's birthday. (He's not wrong...but I just...can't.) If I want to stress myself out with a big ole bday bash, it's on me, I signed up for it....
Um, where are the monster trucks now? Seriously, Rob had posted the part about running the household, default parenting, and maintaining bonds and I came here and found the complete article. Ufda! I found myself cringing and saying ouch. Thank you for a well-written and thought-provoking article. Hey, I do own the yard! When my wife and I were parenting toddlers, she would often shovel the snow. I'd tell her don’t, the neighbors will think I'm a bad husband for not shoveling! She'd come back with what the neighbors see is a mom who needs a break from her kids!
I also see a gender disparity in caring for elderly parents. I've known men who have brothers only -- and it's the daughters-in-law taking the lead on coordinating care.
It was my hope that work-life balance for parents – especially mothers – would improve when many started to work from home these last several years. On Zoom calls, everyone suddenly had visual reminders what with babies on laps and kids running in the background that moms (and dads) have been balancing professional and parental responsibilities all along.
I’m glad I found this newsletter!